the harder i try to move on, the further i try to run away, i finally realise that it will only pull me back with to the point where i start.

i saw you again this evening and it all came back to me. in a blurry events. it saddens me how a mere knowledge can change everything. how it can kill what we had before. how it changes me into a new person that i don't even know of.

but it also reminds me how vulnerable i have grown into over the year.

today i saw you. but just for a moment. how we have changed into two different persons because of one word. maybe cutting all ties is never a good choice but what is?

and today i hate myself for contemplating against my decision. did i make the wrong choice? all these drastic decisions? avoiding people? maybe.

i took the shortcut without realizing what damages it would be bring me later. i hurled words thinking it was the right thing to do , thinking that it would help us, thinking distance is the best solution. but i was wrong.

i am now damaged. my emotions are all fucked up left, right, inside and out. i am tired of dealing with things. i thought i am strong enough for this but no, i am not.

there's nothing wrong with putting on hopes but we are not Lucy and Jude anymore. i don't want neither of us to be damaged further.

but really deep inside, i really don't want to lose you. i never want to hurt you. i never want to distance myself from you.

i really am sorry.

Yes I still remember
every whispered word
The touch of your skin
giving life from within
like a love song never heard
Slipping through our fingers,
like the sands of time
Promises made,
every memory saved as
reflections in my mind

- viva forever, spice girls (1997)