WHAT KIND OF UNFAIR WORLD I AM LIVING IN?!?!?!
WHAT KIND OF UNFAIR WORLD I AM LIVING IN?!?!?!
i had and still having.
i dont think i have been completely honest with myself regarding my blog and i hate that. the journal that i created for the purpose of documenting my life as it goes. the public diary that i created never for the purpose of making money. when i first wrote here, i never ever dreamt of getting any comment from anyone. for i was still a nobody.
and then at my third post, i got a nice surprise. cross that, make it surprises. plural.
i logged in into my dashboard like usual and i was stumped to see there were two comment awaiting for my moderation. two. and it had only be my third post.
i was happy. heck i was beyond happy. my first commentor happened to be a girl with a moniker, miss positive. she was the first one who discovered my blog because (i think) we shared the same sentiment towards stranger adding random people on friendster.
and that my friend, was the first taste of recognition and semi-fame that i had gotten in this blogosphere.
of course, it's normal for anyone to ask for more when they got the first bite. the thirst for fame and popularity. that comment drove my motivation to blog more.
oh did i mention that i actually did a year of research about blogging before i create an account on blogger in 2007? i learnt what is projectpetalingstreet (which i don't bother to visit anymore). i learnt what technorati is (although i never really learnt how to use it). i registered myself a twitter account way before it gains today popularity. i signed up on mybloglog account (which i abandon nowadays) after i figured out that my avatar would appear at other blogs i visited and that would help me to get hits. i learnt how to network with others through linking.
linking. that is one of the blogging thing that got on my nerve nowadays. at first i was naive to believe that someone was interested in my blog and its content. truth is, 80% of those who asked to link your blog were only hoping that you would return them the favor. it's a win-win situation. i link you, you link me. both of us gained a (shit i forgot what the term already) in technorati. symbiosis my foot. among these 80%, some would be telling you that they want to exchange link with you and then have the cheek to say that they will link you straightaway once their blog appear in your blogroll. geez, manner much? you step into someone's house and you expect the owner would lick your own shoes? what are you? the king? these people never bother to actually read your blog to be honest. they would only come to your blog maybe and scroll down to your chatbox and write "hey dropping by to say hi!", "cool post!" or even a short "visited!". oh don't forget to add in a smiley too! because that would make the message look sweet. sweet my ass pfffftt.
i learnt that once we visited a blog the owner would usually reciprocate as a favour. or out of respect. i learnt the joy of meeting new, faceless people who share the same addiction on blogs and chatting on msn. i learnt the usage of google reader and what a feed really is. i learnt so many wonderful things that i had never discovered before. you see, i was introduced to the internet in late 2005. that was after i finished my high school. back then i didn't really know how powerful (oooh cliche wtf) the internet is.
anyway, like i said. one action leads to another. i crave for more once i got the first taste of recognition in blogosphere. i became close with a certain group of people who knew each other very well on the net. aceone118, pisang, rabbit, yipguseng, itchyhandseng, wanyean, and many more. those were among the early ones that i got to know via blogging. i made more friends online in a week than in real life. maybe it is the security blanket of having these people who could tune in with my wavelength, we got along nicely. sadly, i don't really keep in touch with any of them anymore. last time i checked, aceone118 had stopped writing about ahbeng jokes on his site. rabbit has started her working life. she used to be a helluva of camwhore, posting silly pictures of herself on her blog. yipguseng was someone i always get to bully alot. nowadays he barely updates his blog too. itchyhandseng? haha he was the one who initiated the msn misadventure category in my blog after having one long, hilarious conversation with him.
sigh. it seemed like all those happened a long time ago. two years and everything is different.
so,where am i going with all these stories about my blogging experience? you will see in a minute. :)
oops. did i just put a smiley there? pardon me.
so with all this craziness of getting people to realize that you stand inside this blogosphere, at one point i went against my principle of not telling friends about this blog. for a moment, i forgot that this is my public online diary which i tell and write without censorship because no one is supposed to know me.
i was wrong.
because last time, i always put my blog on my yahoo messenger since i have some bloggers as my contacts. my family are in the contacts and yes, you figure it, they read it and they know me personally. at first i was cool with it and as time passed by i am actually regretting it.
there is nothing wrong having your brother reading your blog, honestly. but imagine how awkward it is to face him once you blabbed about how you lost your virginity (okay this is just an example. don't think otherwise wtf) and he read that. or when you somehow pissed at a family member and actually wrote about it on your blog. although you did take the precaution to censor characters and alter the story, but no matter what, you are going to hurt them.
my parents are cool with me having a blog although at some times they do express their concerns on how blogging consume my time off studying and afraid it will affect my study hence, my future will be screwed. at one point, they were very angry with me and forced me to shut down my blog. obviously, i went against it as you can see i am still writing to this point in this blog.
and it doesn't help that some of my friends in cairo actually found out my blog. naturally - and eventually - that would happened no matter how hard you try to hide your blog. and it doesn't help that some of them link to me with my real name. for god's sake, didn't i mention that i appreciate a lot if you can link me with a simple pinksterz? it's not because i am very pretentious with my nick and think highly of myself. it's because i want to secure my identity. do you seriously think that you are safe once you created a nickname and put some stupid, complicated words for your blog link and never told anyone that you blog?
hah! you're so wrong.
i found a lot of my friends blogs and i enjoyed reading them without their knowledge. there is this unexplainable satisfaction of reading a blog belongs to someone that you actually know in real life compare to reading a blog that belongs to someone you just know through the net. i did that a lot of times and i know a lot of my real friends are doing the same to me. as long i don't know about it, i am cool with it.
but i do freak out occasionally. especially when someone confront me about what i write in my blog. i never like that. what i write in the blog, stays in the blog. i never refer myself as pinksterz when i am outside with my friends. with them, i am the real me. here in my blog, i just write what i want and when i want. when i feel like making a fool out of myself, i do all those silly stunts. when i am angry at you, i bitch about you to let it out. but it doesn't mean i want to sever all the ties and friend/relationship i have with you.
my real life and my blog life are two different things.
do you realise how i rant a lot lesser nowadays here? even when i am ranting here, i will have to change the story a lot until it doesn't resemble the original one. yes, i "plastic surger-ied" a lot of my rants and inner thoughts in here because i don't want to create any more problems. i have enough on my hands thank you very much. nope, yours truly anger management haven't improve in any way if that's what you were thinking. she is still the same emotional, angsty girl. because some of my rants got me into trouble, i have to have another outlet for my angry outburst with other people -another place to call my own. and this time i am not going to share it with anyone. i don't repeat my mistakes. i learn from them.
so unless you privatized your blog then you are safe unless your friend is some psycho hacker who couldn't live without reading your dirty secrets off your diary of course (but then who want to befriend a psycho?)
and from that on, i have this invisible restriction on my own blog. i have to filter the pictures to make sure non will have my face or anyone close to me. i will have to remind a lot of bloggers who i had met not to put my pictures in their blog and "patrol" them. once, i met a blogger together with his friends who happened to be photography enthusiasts. the blogger knowing that i love being partially anonymous, didn't upload my picture but when his friends uploaded it on facebook, he tagged me in it. luckily i was online at that time and i quickly messaged him on msn asking him to ask his friend to remove my pictures.
i have a lot of drafts which i have to delete from time to time because i don't have the nerve/heart to publish them. most of them are rants (obviously) and i know being emotionally unstable can cause anyone to hemorrage ridiculous, rude words which can hurt someone and in return, hurt myself back. i have to think thoroughly before clicking the publish button in case my post will offend anyone. i have altered a lot of my posts as some friends or friends of a friend requested me to remove them. and today i find it hard to string words together to write a proper post. i can even see most of my post are half hearted attempt of updating. i update for the sake's of updating those important events that occurred in my life. long gone the time when i could simply logged into my account and typed a story straightaway. today i find myself staring and thinking a lot whether that story should be written here or not.
all those are the invisible restrictions i am having on myself nowadays. yes you may suggest that i can always change my link to a new one or create a new blog. but that's never the option for me. it's a personal thing. it's something i have been living with for years and years before i actually start blogging. pinksterz has been a part of me for a very long time. i just can't let it go easily.
i don't know whether you realise or not but i do. my posts are getting boring by days. i think i am just losing my own self over this blog. or maybe my touch. sometimes when i opened my old archives and read my old posts i wonder how on earth i could do that last time? how i miss those i change my link to a new one but what good it will do? remember what i said about having nickname and new link just now? about having people who just love to read your blog silently? yes, people will eventually find the blog back. google is a very powerful tool. they only have to copy paste a line from my post and click search (there are a lot of sources for that, google reader keeps all the old posts even deleted ones).
i do consider from time to time to start a new blog but i have this thing for pinksterz and pinksterzismetime when i could write anything on my blog without considering anyone feelings. without being afraid of hurting anyone. without having anyone patrolling this blog and telling me what i can and can't write. without having anyone asking me to remove them (although i don't really have any problem with this. i respect others and their privacy).
it feels good writing all these. almost therapeutic. and i do sincerely hope, this post won't hurt anyone in anyway. i just want to let it all out. and i think i did.
because for a very, very long time, i feel like i am being completely honest on my blog. i don't expect many to read this because trust me, hits/comments means nothing nowadays to me. they are just numbers.
oh wait. maybe i still love the comments
anyway here are the (almost) decent pictures from aquaria. some may appear quite blur/ugly but i know you are gonna bear with it right right? if you don't then nevermind i am going to shove it down your throat whether you like it or not wtf.
#1 the usual opening picture for a picture post wtf.
#2 ooooh red iguana! i tried to jump at it but it didn't get any shock because he didn't turn red. :(
#3 the crocodile! i thought this one was a fake one because it kept still for a very looooong time and then when i got bored waiting for it to move and decided to go watch something else, the crocodile suddenly move wtf.
#4 some bored lizard who was sleeping on show wtf
#5 kiss this one and you'll get your own frog prince maybe.
#6 *yawnssss
#7 don't remember what this is exactly (obviously it's a lizard lah wtf) but this one got overexcited when it saw my camera because of the blings i think. it kept jumping and posing for me! awww so cute wtf.
#8 tarantula yawns again
#9 this fish reminds me the phase when i was crazy playing feeding frenzy after i finished my final last july wtf.
#10 @ the 90 meter tunnel
#11 yang ini sedang dibakar om nom nom nom
#12
#13
#14
#15
#16
#17
#18
p.s. lazy to put in captions for every photos. later maybe.
2. gedik came to my house on the third day of raya with his family (i can sense a lot of Meet The Fockers joke coming wtf)! finally i got to meet his parents and vice versa. last time, his mom had asked for my pic from him when i was still in egypt last time and every single time he tried to send it to her using messenger the lines either went cuckoo or the tranfer failed. hahahaha :P
3. visited Aquaria KLCC and sadly, didn't find any mermaids (or mermen) there.
almost got conned into camwhoring with the iguanas and snakes there but thanks to fear i gained my sanity back in no time. RM25 for some instant, overflashed, slightly blurred picture? no thanks. i can paste some iguana picture i found on the net onto my shoulder using photoshop and save my skin from some unknown disease caused by iguana wrinkly skin maybe wtf.
haiyoh finelah i admit that i was too scared to touch the iguana. :(
but more pictures on these in the next post. just prepare yourself to overdose on reptiles and fish shots.
4. set up a quick meet with squiddie man JENG JENG JENG JENGG!!!!! (it's the theme song for him)
oh noes the secret identity of the squid saver is out!who happens to pronounce the word TIPU (cheat) as TEE PEE YOU HAHAHAHAHAHAHA (seriously squiddie i swear that was what you said!)
and when i taught him to pronouce it properly he said TIP YOU instead HAHAHAHAHA
and also happens to worship his goddess (insert TM)
5. bought two new books which happened to be in my most wanted book wishlist.
unfortunately kinokuniya ran out of the first edition hardcover for waiter rant. so i had to buy the paperback one.
this one is indeed a good read! highly recommended! it's way better than how starbucks saved my life! go buy it! i had randomly read few pages (just another habit of mine; i always read some pages randomly and kept the book for a while - the longest one was for a year - before i actually begin to read it properly) and oh my the waiter was really a funny guy! it never failed to make me laugh so far. so i think am going to start reading it properly tonight.
6. and finally an amusing cloth tag i saw on one of my outfit:
yes like anyone is that stupid to burn a dress wtf.
relative: how's your study?
me: oh it's good but you know medic is kinda hard
relative: how many years more to go?
me: around 4 years like that more or less
relative: OMG why so long?!
me: yeap. that's medic for you
relative: so you gonna grad very old when all of your cousins are already working?
me: i guess i get to enjoy the student life more. see them surfer first haha (gee thanks for mentioning that but no thanks)
relative: snatch a hot egyptian guy for a boyfriend already?
me: no. (fortunately)
relative: oh okay (what. an. idiotic. girl)
me: okay.
and if the relative happened to be someone who is above 45 years old this conversation would follow:
relative: so is there anyone else in your current life? (insert some sideway glance which annoy you)
me: haha of course! there are friends, neighbours, lecturers..
relative: (look meaningfully at you)
me: OH LOOK A GECKO!
relative: how old are you now again? (still have that look on you)
me: erm going to be 21 soon
relative: (still giving you that look)
me: what?
relative: nothing (gives some sympathetic pats on shoulder)
me: i am stil young!!!!
relative: i know (pats shoulder sympathetically and tutted a little/sigh and go somewhere else)
me: ... (frustrated)
okaylah. i might exaggerate those convoersations a bit but seriously ever since i stepped into my twenties people have been bombarding me with The Question. isn't there anything more interesting other than The Topic?! -__-
and on an unrelated note, this is one of the advantage being the youngest one in the family...
everyone seems to want to shower you with raya gift. syiok-ness.
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