about happiness

i am still searching for mine. what about you?

baby, it's not me. it's the hormones.

these few days i have been excessively emotional.

seriously, i listened to a sappy sad beatle's love song, i cried.

i watched papadom (the movie), i cried.

i talked to my mom on the phone, i cried.

my friend was teasing me about something (which to be honest, wasn't really a sensitive issue because if you take all of our previous joking history, we will put the all "blunt, stupid, direct males' jokes" to shame), i got upset. and cried.

but it's not my fault that i have become super sensitive and cry at the slightest, smallest unreasonable reason! because i am a woman lady, guess who i've got to put all the blame on?

hormones.

and guess what my guy friend had to say about this?

"i pity you future husband. if your normal period managed to reduce you into tears and make you go all emotional, i wonder how ridiculous you gonna be when you are pregnant!"

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN!"

"you see an ugly new arrival item in topshop. you cry. your pasta doesn't have enough cheese sauce in it. you cry. your-"

"oi!"

"true whatttttttttttt? hahahaha damn thank god i didn't fall in love in you. save my own butt wahahaha"

"...."

"hahahahaha"

"...."

":D"

"hello? you there?"

":("

"see! i joke like that also you become sad liao. wtf. WHO ARE YOU?! WHERE DID YOU HIDE MY PRECIOUS PINK FRIEND! FASTER TELL ME OR I GONNA TELL THE SUPERIOR PINK COUNCIL ABOUT YOU MISDEMEANOR ACT"

"hahahaha wtf lah you. misdemeanor hahahahahahah"

"although actually, come to think of it, you are doing the world a deed and we owe you, sir and i have nothing better to say except thanks"

"wtf. ihatechu."

but seriously, i wonder how bad i will be if i were to be pregnant wtf.

wedding talks

with all these wedding/marriage talks going all around egypt among the malaysians students especially cairo university and mansurah university (so far i have heard six couples are getting married in february!!!!!), we as the contingent from ASU die die dowan to lose our water face to others. yes, we are kiasu like that.

so we have been having fun putting marriage-related statuses in our messenger just to blend in with the "phenomenon". maybe this is what we called peer pressure wtf wtf.

anyway, i just spotted this status from a fellow kenanga-ian.

to which i replied with this

sigh i guess we are just a bunch of immature adults it's no wonder no one's getting hitched yet hahahahahaha wtf.

anyway, selamat menjadi pengantin kepada mereka mereka semua! :)

p.s. it is such a coincidence that i am actually writing a piece on wedding since last december but it is still in the draft (too busy to actually sit down and pen my 20 cents). it will probably be published next month if i feel like doing so. :)

about tonight

there is melancholic melody playing inside me right now, tugging the strings of my heart, and i really feel like crying. it has nothing to do with the exams but sometimes, this time, i wish it has. that's how messed up i am right now.

but who am i kidding with?

i have got no time to deal with every single emotional ourburst, life's little tragedies and turbulences. i have five chapters of drugs to be learnt by heart and memorised. robot must have been the happiest one on earth for they have no feelings and no thoughts. and they have no worries and woes to deal with.

so for now, i am leaving you here at this point and i shall never look back.

i shall be a robot from now on.

i'm sorry but what was your name again?

you know what actually would make this world an easier place to live in?

a barcode-like system to store all the name of the earthlings living on planet earth. where we could just scan others' names using the code present on some area of their body using a easy-to-carry code scanner device. or if you want the old school way, maybe it should be made into the international law that every breathing earthlings should be wearing name tags from now on.

yes it is no news that i am extremely weak at memorising names and recognising faces. if you were to go through all the histories of my embarassing encounter regarding this matter, i am sure firefox will crash wtf.

the most recent occurence happened a few months back just when i was going down using the staircase since i hate to wait for the lift, i bumped into this girl who was waiting for the lift at the ground floor. judging from her look, i was sure she is as malaysian as i am and she was going to the same class i had just finished.

so i just flashed her a little smile and decided to walk pass her since i had to rush for another class in two hours. just when i thought i would make it pass through the main door to avoid having, what i called, Pinksterz Awkward Moment...

"eh you are pinksterz right?"

oh damn. i was this close... so i turned around with panic rising inside me and i decided to play it safe.

"heyy! long time no see. how are you?"

ok the question sounded just right. the usual way how we greet someone familiar, friends or acquantainces. right. so far everything was going so well. we were exchanging some updates regarding each others when she finally decided to ask the very question i wasn't anticipating..

"pinksterz, do you actually know who i am?"

DAMN! i knew i wasn't going to be that lucky. so i decided to come clean and answered it politically correct...

"hmmm you do look familiar and i think i know you but i am afraid i might get your name wrong" okay lets threw in a polite smile to make that sounded better.

"this is insyirah lah. your SC's mentor."

right there and then, i was ready to dig my own grave and bury myself six feet under wtf. imagine if that happened to you, the idea of wearing name tag sounds appealing now doesn't it?

p.s. SC= Smart Circle. something like small group meeting where the members meet once every two weeks or so and discuss some topics or exchange some news.

the first email

as i was lying here on my bed in my room, nursing the pain on my right arm with painkillers, in the midst of reading notes about how the body fought something that can harm you, listening to random songs from my music folders, one by one, suddenly coldplay's fix you was playing.

When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

i remembered drafting a long email after worrying too much and then i was contemplating in sending them for i was scared i might be poking my nose in business that weren't mine. i remembered how i was consulting my friend about this to which he actually laughed at me and accused me of having feelings for you and i snapped to him something along the line of "don't be stupid. just because i am a human and actually care for those around me doesn't mean i am out there chasing after him".

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

but i think unconsciously, it was there. and that was why i actually cared to waste my time to write and ask. i logged into my email and searched for it. and a few seconds later, there it was in the archive staring at me..

And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

for the first time i read back what i wrote. words by words. was this really me two years ago? reading those words sounded so foreign. but it didn't sound as comforting as i thought it would two years ago. did i annoy you back then? did i make you a little better? or was it the other way around? i don't know.

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

and i smiled. because i know i am fixed.